Tag: human resources

Office personnel have no answer for “The Deflector”

Employees of Graphplex Corp. are running out of options when it comes to dealing with a shifty employee who stumbled into their mix some time ago.  Known to office staff as The Deflector for his ability to deflect any projects or tasks thrown his direction, management and staff find themselves struggling for answers of what to do about the scourge in their midst.  Emails that land in his inbox immediately get bounced to another.  Questions brought to his attention are deftly waved off in another direction.  Tasks planted on The Deflector’s desk are quickly and stealthily transplanted onto another.  Even efforts to develop a Deflector detector to keep oneself from falling prey to The Deflector have thus far proven unsuccessful.  Nearly all Graphplex employees have at one time or another discovered an unexpected document on their desk or had a surprise phone call thrust upon them courtesy of The Deflector.  All this while The Deflector reclines in his office chair, scrolling casually through his mobile device and posting to social media.  

Of course, the thing everyone knows but cannot talk about is where The Deflector derives his extraordinary powers of deflection.  Born and raised the dull and dim witted son of a politically connected family, he was placed in the midst of this group of unsuspecting office workers due to his parent’s connections to upper management and their desire to be rid of the dependent pest.  Unable to productively contribute in even the most superficial and half-assed manner, it was then that he quickly and expertly honed his powers of deflection.  The Deflector can spend hours viewing videos of game shows or shopping for ugly sweaters on Amazon.  Some have even taken to cozying up to The Deflector in the hope that participating in his devilish schemes is the only way to avoid falling victim to them.

Even as the author rushes to put the finishing touches on this anonymous memo, The Deflector is peppering his inbox with forwarded emails.  A vacation would be nice, but a week away from work would merely guarantee The Deflector a free and unguarded workspace in which to deposit his manifold deflections.

Human resources department institutes epic ass-covering measures in response to pandemic

Essential worker Ben was slightly taken aback one morning when he attempted to log on to his work computer and was greeted with a series of statements with which he had to agree before completing log in.

“It said things like, ‘I’ve not had a fever in the last 72 hours, I haven’t had any of the following symptoms, or been around anyone who has tested positive.’  I further had to agree that I only cough into my sleeve, and that I use a hand sanitizer with a minimum alcohol content of 60%,” reported Ben.  “Of course, I couldn’t complete log in if I didn’t agree, and failure to adhere to the requirements meant potential disciplinary action.”  

Such is the state of employer/employee relations in these challenging times.  Human resources departments across the country are dealing with potential liability brought on by sick employees.

“Now, more than ever, covering the old rump is the name of the game,” said one personnel manager who wished to remain anonymous.  “This is coming straight from the top.  Deflecting all responsibility onto the employee for what happens in our workplace is the only thing that stands between corporate and an epidemic of lawsuits.”  

Essential Ben agrees that it seems like management’s approach to the pandemic is to blame employees.  “I gotta sign a release to use the restroom, promising to limit the length of time I spend relieving myself, and to wash my hands only with an approved anti-bacterial foaming soap in a prescribed manner for a set duration of time.  Of course, failure to comply could result in disciplinary action.”

“Yeah, I came up with that one,” said the personnel manager, chuckling to himself.  “Look, in these uncertain times, you’ve got to be creative.”

Has management ever considered taking temperatures, testing employees, or providing personal protective equipment like masks?

“Fuck no,” says management.  “If you can’t print it out and make them sign it, then it’s too expensive.  Besides, that would be like admitting we have some responsibility or obligation to our employees.  Additionally, it only makes sense that we put the onus on the employee as management are all working remotely from home and can’t be on site to supervise.”