The owner of a local bakery is pleading with the Trump administration today to remove him from a group sext chat that he maintains is adversely affecting his mental health and physical well-being. Cake baker, Kevin Krinkle, says he’s been so repulsed by the message content that he’s having trouble sleeping and his business is suffering.
“It’s hard to believe that a group of such depraved individuals is responsible for our national security. I’m having nightmares after reading what they plan to do to our allies and some of the messages have caused me to become violently ill at work. Nobody wants to buy a cake from a vomiting baker.”
Krinkle is unaware of how he came to be added to the group chat, but he’s decided to speak out after viewing a thread called “Roofie the Houthis.”
“I won’t go into the unspeakable things they plan to do to these individuals. I’m no fan of the Houthis, but I’m pretty sure the Pentagon’s plans would constitute a war crime and make Abu Ghraib look like a summer day camp.”
The violent sext chats don’t just focus on terrorists and adversaries, but also include America’s allies.
“What they talk about doing to the French is beyond disgusting, and there are even plans afoot to conquer Canada and rename it ‘The Gimp.’”
The Pentagon says they’re looking into the matter and officials promise to maintain the highest security regarding all future group sext chats.
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