Anyone familiar with Strange scenes in the alley 2 might remember that a few months back I had to run off a couple of amorous young people attempting to have sexual relations in my driveway. Why they wouldn’t realize that parking in someone’s driveway is bound to catch the attention of the property owner and prompt an immediate inquiry is a detail I still can’t wrap my head around. However, lucky for them, I’m one of those “cool” cranky old guys, so instead of calling the cops as my wife had urged, I just knocked on their car window and berated the shit out of the lovestruck pair, causing them to go from on fire with passion to frightened scattering rabbits in a couple of milliseconds.
So, a few nights ago, I woke up at 3:30 in the morning to use the bathroom, because I’m 56 years old and that’s the way I roll, and what do I see out my back window but a car parked in front of my garage. This time I didn’t need to investigate to have a pretty good idea what was going on back there: that randy young ram was again tupping his fair ewe. Doubtless, he was in the car bragging to the young lady, “I’ll show that grouchy old sack of excrement that I can screw in his driveway any time I feel like it.”
It being 3:30 in the morning, I was in no mood to go outside and interrupt their carnal congress. Defeated, I went back to bed, resolving that if by daybreak they were still back there humping in the dawn, then I’d go out and give them a bit of the old ultra remonstration.
Of course, I laid in bed thoroughly vexed. What do I have to do to keep a couple of young people from copulating in my driveway? And why my driveway? It’s a tiny patch of cement, between my garage and the alley, barely big enough for one vehicle. There are like three other garages back there with much better park and hump options than mine. Why of all the places in this city to pull over and make the beast with two backs did they choose my drive? I wondered if this was a topic of discussion on the neighborhood Facebook group: How to keep young people from having intimate relations on your property.
Perhaps I should cut the younger generation some slack. From what I’m reading about Gen-Z, out of control intimacy is not a big problem with that cohort. Instead of being the cranky old man yelling at clouds, telling kids to get off my lawn, and shooing highly amorous young folk off of my property, maybe I should try being a little more understanding and accommodating. I just don’t want my tiny driveway to turn into a Gen-Z shag pad.
If there is something 