Tag: FDA

At urging of Pfizer CEO, FDA close to authorizing vaccine “bumps”

On the heels of authorizing a fourth dose of vaccine for the over 50 crowd, the FDA is considering adding vaccine “bumps” to the current regimen of periodic boosting.   

When Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla approached the FDA about recommending another boost for individuals over 65, the regulatory body did him one better by expanding the pool to everyone over 50.

Sensing an opportunity to increase profits, Bourla has instructed researchers at the company to develop vaccine “bumps” to be administered periodically between boosts as a way of supplementing antibody protection.

“You know, it’s just like sometimes your antibodies start to feel a little low and your titer is down around 1:250, and you just need a little bump to maintain and get to feeling normal again.  That’s where we’re at, bro,” Bourla told FDA officials.  “So now when you go into a crowded restaurant and you’re worried about whether your antibody level is going to provide enough protection, you can slip into the restroom, give yourself a little bump of Pfizer vaccine and reemerge with the confidence that you can handle any situation.”

Needless to say, the FDA has been extremely impressed with Bourla’s proactive approach, planning to fasttrack the approval of vaccine bumps without requiring efficacy trials.       

Critics worry that self-administered vaccine jabs could be unnecessary and lead to unintended health consequences.  Bourla dismisses the concern.  “The public has this notion that I’m some kind of pusher man, that I like sticking needles in people’s arms.  Do I look like a common drug peddler?  Get real, man.”

New guidelines sought as consumers demand to know the politics of their food

Activists on both sides of the political divide are calling on the Food and Drug Administration to establish guidelines for identifying the politics of the food Americans eat.  In recent weeks, there has been an uptick in calls to boycott various restaurants over their perceived political affiliations. Olive Garden responded to a call to boycott its establishment by noting that it does not contribute to political campaigns.  This confusion has prompted demands for the government to step in and provide some guidance.

“It’s getting really hard to know what food to eat,” said a 21 year old college student.  “I mean, I like Chik-fil-A but they support Trump, and they’re not open on Sunday, so their food really sucks.”

At the other end of the political spectrum, conservatives have gone after coffee giants like Keurig and Starbucks over their political leanings.  “I don’t need to ‘get woke’ to get woke,” said one bleary eyed Trump supporter waiting in line for coffee at McDonald’s. 

So far, the responsibility of informing consumers regarding what food to steer clear of has mostly fallen to celebrities like Chrissy Teigen.  In the absence of government intervention, her tweets have provided invaluable guidance to diners trying to avoid food flavored by the wrong political ideology.

“This salad is incredible,” said one Panera diner and Bernie supporter.  “This is what democratic socialism tastes like!”      

Poll Americans and you’ll find they’re just as divided over their food as they are over their politics.  A recent USA Today Twitter poll found that Americans prefer Chik-fil-A chicken sandwiches over Popeyes by a margin of 54 to 46 percent.  Chik-fil-A is currently the subject of an anti-Trump boycott while Popeyes meets the approval of the group.

The chicken sandwich poll represents good news for President Trump who has seen his numbers drop in recent weeks.  “The people have spoken with their taste buds,” Trump bragged, “and clearly they prefer the taste of freedom and market capitalism that four more years of Trump will bring.”  

Some have suggested the FDA provide simple, easy to understand labels denoting the politics of the food Americans consume.  At the conservative end of the spectrum, an image of Ronald Reagan would let anxious eaters know that their meal is Gipper approved.  For lefties, a Che Guevara stamp tells the diner they’re noshing the food of the revolution. 

Regardless of whether the government steps in, it seems likely many Americans will continue to dine along ideological lines.  Said one food service worker, “Good food shouldn’t divide us. Support me and I promise to make you the best goddamn chicken sandwich you ever tasted.”