William H. Macy reportedly not waiting for wife Felicity Huffman

Upon hearing the news that his wife had been sentenced to 14 days in prison, actor William H. Macy, through a spokesperson, announced plans to leave the marriage.

“While Mr. Macy is deeply saddened by the news of his wife’s severe 14 day prison sentence and wishes her all the best, Mr. Macy feels it’s best to move on with his life and put this regrettable chapter in his family’s history behind him,” said Macy’s spokesperson. 

Word of Macy’s decision stunned friends of the couple.  “Well, she’s eligible for parole in eight days,” said a mutual friend.  “With good behavior she might be out sooner. Not sure why he couldn’t wait.”

For her part, Huffman is planning to make the best use of her time behind bars.  She’s converted to Buddhism and plans to meditate extensively. She’s also started a program that matches convicts with university degree programs, and exhibited remarkable success at getting prisoners accepted into some of the nation’s most prestigious institutions of higher learning.

Can college sailing survive its latest scandal?

A tempest of dread descended on the world of college sailing Wednesday as former Stanford University sailing coach John Vandemoer was sentenced to six months of home detention and two years of supervised release for his role in a college pay to sail scandal.

The former coach avoided prison time despite the efforts of federal prosecutors who requested he be given a “meaningful” stint in the brig intended to help repair public confidence in college sailing.

“What message are we sending to our kids if we simply give this man a slap on the wrist?  When my daughter tunes in to watch the Women’s Dinghy or the Team Racing, she needs to have confidence that these events are honestly contested,” argued C. Preston Wainscott in documents filed prior to the hearing.

News of the sentencing was all anyone could talk about Wednesday at the Yale Corinthian Yacht Club.  Many thought the disgraced coach should take a long walk on a short plank. Most agreed that no one deserves preferential treatment.  

“Success in sailing should be based on merit, hard work, the sweat of one’s brow,” remarked Thurston Howell III.  “Why, I spent my first year as a young sailor boy scrubbing the poop deck every night. No one should get special treatment just because they came out of say the Royal Thames as opposed to the Yale Corinthian Yacht Club.”

Although the NCAA has yet to rule, many believe Stanford’s sailing program will face stiff sanctions for years to come.  Already next year’s class of Stanford recruits are reconsidering their commitment based on the recent news. One of the most sought after recruits in college sailing history, Reginald Williams of Detroit Yacht Club, withdrew his commitment to Stanford and signed with an agent.  He’s now exploring his options in the professional ranks.

“As a result of this scandal, I think we’re going to see a lot more of these young fellows going for the big money,” added Howell.  “With the lure of signing bonuses, sponsorships and a yar gaff cutter to helm, why would a promising young sailor spend four years making money for the university when they can enrich themselves?”