Jeffrey Epstein cause of death changed to ‘suicide by hitman’

Results of an autopsy conducted over the weekend reveal Jeffrey Epstein most likely committed suicide, he just used someone else’s hands to do it.  According to unnamed sources familiar with the autopsy results, Epstein suffered broken bones among which was the hyoid bone. Breakage of the hyoid bone is most commonly associated with death by strangulation, but in older men can break during a hanging.

“Right now, we’re working under the theory that Epstein hanged himself,” revealed an unnamed source close to the investigation.  “However, due to the lack of available materials in Epstein’s cell suitable for conducting a hanging, we’re revising our theory to say that instead of a rope or a belt, Epstein probably fashioned someone else’s hands into a noose before hanging himself.”

Officials are hopeful this new information will put to rest speculation that Epstein was murdered by wealthy and powerful individuals in order to prevent the billionaire pedophile from implicating them in his criminal activity.

“All this talk of conspiracy is a little far out there.  The reality is that it’s not unusual for these rich guys, who are not used to doing their own dirty work, to hire someone else to ‘suicide’ them.  Happens all the time,” added the unnamed source. “With Epstein’s wealth, influence and depraved sicko reputation, he would have had little difficulty finding someone to do his suicide for him.”