The Warriors to get a social justice reboot

With the 40th anniversary of the The Warriors fast approaching, fans of the 1979 cult film classic are naturally expecting a reboot, and an eager Hollywood seems poised to deliver.  

This week producers offered up a glimpse of the new release all updated for a new generation of hyper-woke snowflakes.  Gone are the lawless street toughs of the original, replaced by a spoiled group of university students ready to battle every perceived injustice crossing their path.  

The setting for Social Justice Warriors 2019 is the Yale University campus.  When a small band of undergraduate do gooders find themselves stranded in a strange and unfamiliar part of campus, unjustly accused of cultural appropriation, the SJWs must battle their way back to their residence hall safe space with their fragile feelings intact.

Along the way, the SJWs clash with the university’s glee club whose occasional hand clapping they find anxiety producing in the extreme.  After convincing the club to replace audible clapping with jazz hands, the SJWs then discover the jazz hands to be too unpredictable and demand the glee club just stick to finger snapping.  

Additionally, they forbid the group’s director from conducting with his hands in any manner, much less brandishing a baton.  Feeling threatened by the sudden hand movements, the Social Justice Warriors suggest he conduct simply by raising and lowering his eyebrows, even though they find these to be a bit bushy and menacing as well.   

Later the SJWs encounter a manspreading mansplainer mandating in a manifestly offensive manner.  A rapid fire round of ninja virtue signalling ensues, rendering the manspreading mansplainer mansobbing like a manbaby.

“Social Justice Warriors come out to play!”

In the film’s finale, before the SJWs can retire to their residence hall safe space, they must track down a MAGA troll and diffuse a dirty bomb set to release a cloud of weaponized toxic masculinity across the Yale campus.  We won’t give away the ending, let’s just say, the patriarchy will never be the same.

Social Justice Warriors 2019 opens nationwide February 9th.

Howard Schultz can’t stop not complaining about being bullied

Howard Schultz, the former Starbucks CEO flirting with a presidential run as an independent candidate, can’t seem to stop not complaining about all the media attention he’s currently getting.  After all, the last thing an aspiring presidential candidate wants is a lot of public focus and free publicity from the American press corps. Just ask Donald Trump.

Enter The Daily Beast’s Sarada Peri with her insightful opinion piece entitled, “Powerful Men Can’t Stop Complaining That They’re Being Bullied”.  With a title like that, I couldn’t wait to read about the many instances of this entitled billionaire wallowing in self pity over the treatment he’s receiving from political pundits.  After all, Schultz is running for president, so he needs to man up and stop whining.

Peri wastes no time pinning Schultz to the wall as a serial grumbler, “And though he himself would never complain – at least not explicitly – others will say he has to put up with people trying to ‘bully’ him out of even running for president.”  How diabolical of this man. He has a whole platoon of surrogates whining on his behalf, like baristas dispensing venti sized servings of grievances.

But Peri is not done throwing Schultz’s non-complaints back at him.  She continues by giving the privileged billionaire a little friendly advice on what a prospective presidential candidate can expect from the press.  “But if he feels this harassed by requests to explain himself more fully, then he is in for a rude awakening.” Admittedly, my short term memory isn’t what it used to be, so I attempted to backtrack to the part where Peri quotes or paraphrases the Powerful Man Schultz complaining about the level of harassment he’s received.  However, finding nothing, I’m forced to conclude there must have been some error in the editorial process, or perhaps Peri’s short term memory is a little compromised as well.

Anyway, Peri’s last at bat knocks it out of the park, exposing the sorry CEO as a serial complainer with a persecution complex.  “But if Schultz himself truly believes that he’s being persecuted, then it would be best for him to take his ball and go home early.”  Reader, I must apologize. I was unable to locate where Peri quoted Schultz or cited a television appearance of the slippery CEO whining about being persecuted.  Also, what’s up with the “But ifs”? Can there be any question that this billionaire feels harassed and persecuted?

Perhaps I’m not giving the piece a careful enough reading, or I’m misunderestimating Peri’s ability as a journalist to read her subject’s intent and Powerful Man body language.  If there is one thing we learned from the MAGA teen incident, it is that many of today’s journalists are uncannily adept at reading facial cues and interpreting them for the semi-literate masses.  The rest of us rude mechanicals are simply too literal minded and incapable of peering into a man’s true nature when his words refuse to betray him. But if Peri truly believes she is able to remotely mind meld with a Powerful Man and extract unspoken thoughts from his big selfish brain, then who am I to doubt her special powers. 

Sorry, Schultz, they’re onto your game.  If you can’t stand the heat, pick up your ball and go home early.

MAGA teen incident renders man unable to focus his outrage

Dustin Haggerty’s Saturday had started out innocently enough.  He worked out, ran a few errands, and ate some lunch. Then Haggerty decided to check his news feed.  One picture and headline he encountered filled him with rage, a feeling he had become accustomed to and could even turn into a perverse pleasure at times.  What he wasn’t prepared for were the conflicted feelings to follow, and the maze of emotions he was about to stumble through. When he finally emerged from that maze, it was strapped to a gurney bound for the psychiatric ward of City Hospital.   

“When I saw the look on that young man’s face, I about lost it,” recounted Haggerty.  “The smug look of contempt he was directing at the indigenous gentleman made my blood pressure rise and the veins on my neck pop out.  How dare he disrespect this man like that.”

The young man, of course, is Nick Sandmann, and the indigenous gentleman is Nathan Phillips.  Early media accounts of a scene that took place on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial appear to show a smirking, MAGA hatted, Sandmann, getting in the face of the elderly Native American, Phillips, who was playing his drum and chanting.

“After seeing the photograph and reading the reports, I was ready to jump on Twitter and unleash my fury on the MAGA teens and Sandmann in particular.  I had read an incredible piece in Slate by Ruth Graham. This journalist is amazing. With scant few facts she was able to intuit so much about the young man just by looking at his face.  She didn’t even know his name or anything about him, yet by drawing upon her expertise as a journalist and her powerful psychic abilities, she was able to nail him down as a white supremacist and a possible sex crimes perpetrator.

“That was enough for me.  I got on Twitter and let those kids have it.  I went off on white privilege, shamed their parents and school administrators, and called for heads to roll.  Later, I sat back and watched the ‘likes’ and the ‘retweets’ pile up like I’d just hit the jackpot on a $5 slot.  What a rush! Satisfied I had done my part to save humanity from these teenage oppressors, I passed out on the couch, exhausted and rage drained.”  

As Haggerty slept that night and throughout the following day, a different picture began to emerge of the events that had unfolded on Friday.  “Next time I go on Twitter, I find a link to a YouTube video. Among other things, it shows some African-American men shouting racial and homophobic slurs at the students.  It also shows Phillips walking over to confront the students, rather than the students surrounding Phillips as we’d been led to believe. I check my most trusted news sources:  WaPo, CNN, CBS and the Gray Lady herself – no mention. I’m thinking, are they pretending like these other things didn’t happen? Then I click a link to an article written by Robbie Soave at Reason.  In addition to describing a vastly different account than I’d picked up from my go to news sources, his story seemed to assert that the MAGA boys were almost entirely blameless. I realized I had some soul searching to do.  Were my infinitely reliable MSM sources deliberately trying to mislead the public, and is it possible these boys weren’t the product of a ‘hate factory’ as the honorable Dr. Howard Dean had put forth in a tweet?”

Confusion quickly gave way to sweet scorn as Haggerty once again took to his Twitter machine.  In quick succession, he went after Alyssa Milano, Kathy Griffin, and Reza Aslan, who on Twitter is apparently some kind of punch thirsty badass.  Feeling righteous fury swell inside, he next turned his attention to his trusty news sources and shamed them all for deliberately and willfully misleading the American people.  Additionally, he berated the MSM for driving him to the pages of conservative news sites, seeking the truth regarding the incident. “I felt dirty and compromised for having to go to places like Fox News, The Blaze and Daily Wire to get a fuller picture of what happened.  But my tweetstorm seemed to pay dividends because, one by one, most of my traditional news outlets began to admit there was more to the story. Again, I went to bed satisfied that my rage had not been in vain.

“The next day was bliss for me, I spent the entire day firing off snarky tweets at celebrities and prominent journalists who had reacted badly to the MAGA teen incident and were now apologizing.  As the days wore on, however, I started to notice something curious – some news outlets and journalists were not backing off their assertion that these teens were a bunch of rich, entitled white supremacists.  Vox was still going with its original reporting and Matthew Yglesias was tweeting a video from a 2012 basketball game that purported to show Covington Catholic students wearing black face paint. The Guardian and others were running stories that asserted the right wing media hijacked the story and changed the narrative.  I was tempted to jump on Twitter and go after Sandmann and his publicist. Then I read Caitlin Flanagan’s piece in The Atlantic and I once again became enraged at the New York Times.

“Eventually, my hostility seemed to take on a life of its own, shifting from target to target with no ability on my part to control it.  I’d no sooner began composing a nasty tweet directed at NBC News, when I became seriously pissed at Conor Friedersdorf. I heard the chatter of analysts and talking heads.  I saw the MAGA boys bouncing and chanting in my head. My outrage swelled, but finding no where to go, it turned on me, and consumed me like a shark attacking blood in the water.  Last thing I remember, I was replying to all my previous tweets, hurling abuse and monstrous invective at myself. Then everything went black.”

Haggerty is currently recovering in a psychiatric hospital, undergoing therapy for acute inrage disorder.  Although rare, especially in these days of the internet and social media, inrage occurs when all of the subject’s hostility and rage becomes focused inward on himself.  “It is as if the poles have flipped and magnetic north is no longer out there somewhere, but it is now inside of him. We must refocus that energy outward again,” says Dr. Frederic Rumgarten, the psychiatrist treating Haggerty.  “We will start him out with a little low level external stimuli – perhaps let him view a little C-SPAN. Slowly, by degrees, we will draw the anger outward again, until he is able to return to social media fully capable of maximum externally directed rage.  It is a simple process really. ‘Only another turn of the screw of ordinary human virtue.’”

Lone boy on playground confirms speculation he’s grounded from Fortnite

A solitary boy kicking a can around on an otherwise deserted playground confirmed Thursday his parents grounded him from the popular video game Fortnite.

Witnesses describe the boy as looking lost and unfamiliar with the playground equipment.  Out of frustration, he began kicking the dirt and loudly cursing his mom and dad.

“All my friends are at home drinking soda and eating junk food in their stuffy rooms while I’m stuck out here in the fresh air getting exercise.  How did I end up with such lousy parents? The universe is so unfair,” the angry boy shouted at the sky.

Apparently a concerned citizen agreed and Child Protective Services were called to pick up the eleven year old and question his parents.  

“Well you’ve got to wonder, what kind of monstrous people would ground their child from Fortnite and send him outside to play,” said Derrick Brood, CPS officer.  “I cherish the time I spend with my boys playing Fortnite, and they love the opportunity to interact with their friends without having to leave the house. It’s a win, win!”

Reports indicate the boys parents have agreed to reinstate the youth’s Fortnite privileges and keep him inside under constant supervision.  

For his part, the boy is just happy the universe heard his plea and came to his aid, manifesting as a nosy neighbor, and rescuing him from the sunny, open air dungeon that had imprisoned him.

Trump abandons plan for border wall, opts instead for ‘invisible fence’

In a major concession, President Donald Trump has dropped his request for six billion dollars to build a border wall, opting instead to pursue an invisible fence along the country’s southern border with Mexico.  He outlined his proposal in an address to the nation Tuesday night.

“My fellow Americans, I am tonight withdrawing my funding request to build a big beautiful wall along our southern border.  I’ve been consulting with my advisors and we’ve determined the best course of action would be to construct an invisible fence.  We talked about a wall, we considered steel slats, but eventually decided invisibility is the way to go.

“Have you seen these things?  Well, of course you haven’t, they’re invisible.  They’re an invisible, electric barrier people put around their yards to keep intruders out, as well as keep children and pets in.  If you try to penetrate the fenceline, it zaps you. I hear they’re quite effective.

“My people tell me the fence is actually already 90% complete and will be finished soon.  Best part of all, Mexico is paying for it. I’m told they’re funding it through some type of invisible money called cryptocurrency.  It’s totally untraceable, Fake News, so don’t even try to check it.

“Invisible money, who knew?  Next time I gotta pay off a porn star, I’m using some of that.  

“So, to summarize, big beautiful invisible fence, Mexico pays for it, government reopens, I win.  You’re welcome, America and Dems.”

Administration sources confirm the fence to be a hoax perpetrated on the president for the purpose of pacifying the man whose daily tantrums are making the White House staff miserable.  “That’s right, it’s bullshit. Let him declare victory and move on,” said one exasperated senior aide.

A trip to inspect the invisible border fence is planned for an upcoming date.  Officials are worried the president may try to test the nonexistent fence as he is prone to behavior like staring at eclipses, sticking his finger in light sockets, and touching hot plates when warned not to.

University students keeping the world safe from comedy

Students at Columbia University pulled the plug on SNL comedian Nimesh Patel in the middle of his set after organizers deemed his jokes racist and homophobic.  The comedian reportedly joked about a gay, black man he knew saying that being gay cannot be a choice because “no one looks in the mirror and thinks, ‘this black thing is too easy, let me just add another thing to it.’”

Terrified students hid under tables and some ran for the exits as Patel unloaded a firestorm of “offensive” and “inappropriate” jokes into the audience.

Said one Bard College audience member who was emotionally injured in the incident but refused treatment at the scene, “Obviously the world is not a safe space but just accepting that it’s not and continuing to perpetuate the unsafenes of it…is saying that it can’t be changed.  When older generations say you need to stop being so sensitive, it’s like undermining what our generation is trying to do in accepting others and making it safer.”

Older generations may recall the unsafe seventies and eighties when comedy related activity claimed untold victims and kept most people in their homes, afraid to come out at night.  

NYPD Special Victims Detective Dominic Rizzo, who was present at the scene, remarked on those dark times:  “We’ve come a long way since the days when guys like Carrot Top used to roam the streets and back alley comedy clubs, preying on the innocent.”

Rizzo went on to recount the worst call of his life.  “I remember a comedy room of 200-250 people slain by Gallagher back in 1982.  Dear God, it was the most horrifying scene I’ve ever witnessed. So senseless, everyone covered in pumpkin and watermelon guts, laughing hysterically.  You’re never the same after something like that. It haunts me to this day.”

“I suppose these kids are onto something,” said Rizzo.  “Thank God dangerous dudes like George Carlin and Richard Pryor aren’t around anymore.  I mean, these were serious guys – seriously funny guys. They were killers. They’d put you in a body bag.”  

The students hope to one day rid the comedy club stages of comedians altogether, making the shows safe for them to do what comes natural…staring at their smartphones.

Scientists: Human ancestors and a guy named Dennis “mate with anything vaguely human”

In the past ten years, a successful attempt to sequence the genome of Neanderthals revealed that most modern humans carry 2-4% Neanderthal DNA, indicating our human ancestors bred with their ancient cousins.

Further scientific research into a finger bone discovered in Siberia uncovered a whole new group of archaic humans we now refer to as Denisovans.  Once again, DNA comparisons with humans revealed that the two species on occasion made the beast with two backs.

Additional investigation of human DNA found remnants of other hominim species completely unknown to scientists.

These findings have led scientists to conclude that our human ancestors had no misgivings about mating with anything that looked vaguely human.   

Then along came Dennis, a “modern human” who seems to carry many genetic features derived from our ancient past.

“I came to the attention of scientists when I sent off a 23 and Me sample.  It came back showing that roughly 18% of my DNA could be traced back to Neanderthals, Denisovans, and a vast array of other unknown ancient hominims.  This knowledge really began to answer a lot of questions for me.”

Police records reveal a man who’s been arrested on multiple occasions for trying to hump museum statues and department store mannequins.

Out at the bars, he often tries to attract prospective females with a strange ritual of chest thumping, growling and throwing dirt around.  Additionally, he’s been known to lay the remains of a half eaten steak at the feet of a female he’s particularly fond of.

Hypnotic regression therapy is helping Dennis confront some of his primitive impulses.   

“I carry within me the knowledge of what it’s like to copulate with a Denisovan.  They lived around 500,000 years ago. Let me tell you, sex with a Denisovan is a pretty wild experience.  Far from sharing a tender and loving moment, it’s savage and brutal, quite terrifying really. Some of the females have been known to kill the male after the act.”

These deep memories of a time long ago have left Dennis psychologically scarred but hopeful for the future.

“I’m currently in psychotherapy which seems to be helping.  I’m also in a pretty committed relationship with a female that carries an unusually high amount of Neanderthal DNA.  I think she gets me.”

White people celebrate news Sinead O’Connor no longer wants to spend time with them

White people around the world are rejoicing at news Sinead O’Connor has decided she no longer wants “to spend time with white people again…Not for one moment, for any reason.”  

“Hooray, our long global nightmare is over!” shouted one ecstatic white person who wishes to remain nameless.  “No more calling and dropping by at all hours with her endless list of grievances and her sanctimonious crap.”

All over the streets of Whiteland there was non-stop joy and celebration as the news dropped on Tuesday.

“Oh happy day!  Everything is wonderful and new again,” cried a caucasian woman enjoying her lunch break next to a hot dog stand.  “This disgusting, dried up wiener tastes like the food of the gods.”

White people were spotted dancing, quite stiffly and awkwardly, on sidewalks, cars and rooftops.  Others gleefully sang out of tune and played air guitar.

A small group of culture appropriating white people attempted to express their sudden euphoria through rap and beat boxing, but were quickly shut down and rounded up by authorities without incident.

Elsewhere, horrified at the prospect of a Sinead O’Connor pop-in, muslims and people of color locked their doors, took the phone off the hook, and suddenly had “this thing they had to go to.”

Anxious university students demand maestro cease conducting orchestra with a baton

Students at a prestigious northeastern university are demanding the school’s orchestra conductor cease and desist from using either his hands or his baton when conducting the university orchestra.

“The abrupt hand movements and the brandishing of a baton are triggering extreme anxiety in some of the student audience members,” says Arnold Lane, a spokesperson for the group demanding the maestro lay down his baton.  “We’re requesting the maestro consider alternative, less fear producing methods of conducting, such as raising and lowering his eyebrows.”

“Well the baton’s got to go, for sure,” says one cisgender female student who wished to remain anonymous.  “I mean it’s like he’s up there waving a big penis around, isn’t it?”

“I’m terrified he’s going to turn around and beat me with it,” added her male friend.

The student’s demands come on the heels of the group’s successful effort to have applause banned and replaced with “jazz hands,” considered a more sensitive approach to showing appreciation.

Orchestra members are naturally skeptical of eyebrow conducting.  “The maestro’s eyebrows are actually quite bushy and menacing,” commented one member.  “I actually think a gentle bending or wagging of the index fingers might be the least triggering method.”

Students are planning demonstrations and performance interruptions until their demands are satisfied.

Sen. Mitch McConnell attempts to conceal lying with lack of lip movement

Ever mindful of the old expression, “You know when he’s lying because his lips are moving,” Mitch McConnell in recent years has taken to speaking without even the slightest disturbance of the area surrounding his mouth.  What remains unclear, though, is whether the Senator believes that by not contorting his lips in any discernible fashion, he can fool those around him into believing the voluminous flow of excrement issuing forth from his motionless sound hole.

Apparently he does because the frequency with which the untruths carelessly fly past his unmoving lips is accelerating like the expansion of the universe.  The latest whopper is his assertion that not approving Supreme Court Justices in an election year is “following a long standing tradition” in the Senate dating back to the 1880’s.  In the 1880’s McConnell was a junior staffer with the Kentucky Senate delegation, so he should know better than anyone that the tradition then was to approve election year nominations.  It is the case that one time since 1888 a nominee was not approved. One time does not a tradition make.

When John Dickerson challenged the Senator’s bullshit on Face the Nation, McConnell became quite defensive and shut down the questioning saying, “You’re not listening to me, John.  The history is just as I told you.” Dickerson seemed slightly taken aback, not only by McConnell’s admonition, but also by the appearance that the words did not seem to emanate from the Senator’s mouth.     

Aides close to the Senate Majority leader say he has been working closely with ventriloquists to perfect the art of speaking without appearing to say anything at all.  The training was undertaken in earnest back when he took over as Majority Leader during the Obama administration. At the time, he attributed an economic uptick with “the expectation of a new Republican Congress.”  The backlash over the absurdity of his comment caused him to explore ways to obscure the frequent untruth telling he was embarking upon. Realizing that every time his lips moved the lies seemed to gush forth like a dam breaking, he determined to take drastic action.      

Additional steps taken to mask the appearance of lying include lip reduction surgery. Many have opted to have fat cells injected into their lips to give them a fuller, fat tire appearance.  McConnell is thought to be the first subject to have their lips deflated to the point of riding on the rims.  The procedure was everything he’d hoped for and resulted in his present turtle like appearance.

Currently, the Senator is working on perfecting the art of “throwing his voice”.  Once this final piece of the puzzle is in place, he will have achieved complete plausible deniability. Imagine the power to lie at will and not have the untruths trace back to the source, but instead be able to stick them to others like hurling darts at a dart board.  It is said when McConnell first conceived the idea, he became almost perceptibly animated and let out a barely audible croak of delight.