A motorist was cited by police for speeding and reckless driving after he was spotted weaving in and out of traffic, making obscene gestures, and driving at an excessive rate of speed on a busy thoroughfare Saturday.
The 42-year-old Columbus native was issued a citation despite explaining to police that he was unable to restrain his Chrysler Town & Country minivan from accelerating rapidly and traveling at high rates of speed.
“This minivan cannot be contained,” argued the man after police said he was witnessed driving over a mile in the left-turn lane. “It won’t just run with the pack.”
“Let me explain something to you about the Town and Country,” the man further elaborated. “It’s a road warrior. It corners like nobody’s business, goes from zero to ‘Hell Yes!’ in the blink of an eye, and still manages to stop on a dime. That’s the ‘Town’ part. In the ‘Country,’ it’s just a blur of shiny metal, a thrilling blend of power and aerodynamics. It’s pure rock ‘n roll, officer.”
“Be that as it may, sir, we still have to issue you a citation,” said the policeman.
“You may have caught up to me this time, officer. But dig this,” the man warned, “the Town and Country has at its disposal evasive maneuvering capabilities unmatched in other domestic minivans. In the future, I will not hesitate to deploy them. Next time, the only thing you’re going to catch is a cloud of my dust.”
If there is something 